I'm Soooo Outta here!

I have had just about enough...the fat man makes "my family" look like angels. I can't believe that man - sticking me in a bag.....eating MY cookies, drinking MY milk and laughing that stupid ho-ho-ho chuckle. Ugh sickening. I decided it would be best to take off for a while and cool down....
December 26, 2008 - I'm packed and hitting the road - maybe I'll visit sin city and be really naughty! Ha what do you think about that fat man!??

Freakin Fat Man

Well the day has come and the fat man was here. I have done EVERYTHING I could think of to get that jolly beast to not stop at our house. First I tried to get the entire family on the naughty list - that worked for some but not everyone so he was still coming...so then I climbed up on the roof and left a note that said "No Thanks, Try Again Next Year" and that didn't work, he still came. Then I tried to have a rational talk with him once he was inside MY house and he just had that stupid chuckle in response so then it got dirty - I tried my best to threaten that freak and you know what he did................
He tied me up!! YEA! Then he went to the kitchen, got some milk and cookies... then finished them off right in front of me (cause he knows very well I can't reach the fridge).


Then he stuffed me in a gift bag!! I'm tell you all - this is NOT a nice man....it's a SCAM! You think he is nice, then while your tucked away in bed he steals your plasma TV - you just watch!
This was Christmas 2008.

FOOTBALL!!!

Lets get this footBOWL started! It's bowl time people! I've got my chair, the remote and the games are ready to begin... just need a drink and a meatball sub and I'll be all set. Ahhh the lovely time of football - sadly it's always overshadowed by the activities brought about by my distant relatives up north bringing joy and cheer - blah, football does that for months not just one day! Wake up and smell the pigskin people! Then bring me my sub!!!December 20, 2008 - day one of the bowl extravaganza that starts with 34 college football bowl games and ends with the big dawg they call SUPERBOWL! Sit back and place your bets people, it's time for some football!

This boot was made for ice cream!

So here I am in front of the world's biggest shoe - well if it isn't the biggest that's just dumb, who needs a shoe bigger then this? Really! Apparently they are known for serving ice cream in this "shoe house". I swear this "family" knows some really weird characters. The Virginia folks brought me here - I really didn't get their interest in it! Ohhhh a big shoe - WOW. I can show you a tiny shoe! And I may not serve ice cream but you can get something else outta me!Somewhere in Pennsylvania, September 24, 2007. The Shoe House! Once again, there was a tour and I didn't get any - not even a sample!

Time for the Loofa

It's been just over 7 months since this thing has been seen - the loofa, not me obviously. Here's the story: I'm not the only weird object of affection that this "family" passes around. Every year the man of the house, the "doctor" and the one who lives in Virginia give this exact same loofa to the lady of the house for her birthday, mother's day and Christmas - well HA HA guess who has the loofa now! ME! And I have hidden it in a very secure place. Oh it will come out at Christmas, but the lady of the house may not be the one to get it this year - Muah ha ha ha ha
Or maybe she will! Point is - for once, I have them at MY mercy. I love it!
Mother's day 2008 - the lady opens up SURPRISE.....the loofa. This photo is the last it was seen!

I'm watching you!

So I thought I would get creepy and slowly peek over my "travel bag" and the joke was on me, as always. "The doctor" brought me into some public bathroom and sat me on some ledge - yea not even on the floor where I could catch a peek at an unsuspecting lady in the next stall. Anyway, I finally managed to get the bag down (not easy with my mitts) and she was there with a camera - ready to snap yet another picture....I mean geez these people never stop! You'd think they have something more interesting to do then bother me ALL THE TIME!
Buffalo Wild Wings Bathroom in Phoenix, November 2008

BOING

This place was super fun! I don't know what this thing was but it was a lot of fun! Now I know why the "doctor" likes to go to work - they have cool toys there!
November 2008

A little work - a little sweat

So while I was here I decided it might be a good idea to work off some of the Thanksgiving feast I stuffed myself with. Little did I know, this place isn't "little people" friendly...I couldn't find much equipment that my stubby legs and arms could use efficiently...
November 2008. Working out! Yea, you heard me - I'm getting strong fat man - watch out!

PEEK A BOO

Welcome to the inner sanctum! So this is what hell is like...a long white hallway with lots of doors and you have to pick your fate...Ok maybe not - I don't really know what hell is like! This was just me messin around at the "doctor's" office...come find me Zona!November 2008, when I realized I wasn't admitted to the hospital (or in hell). Had a lot of fun...you'll see.....

Oh my belly

As it turns out, you CAN overeat! After my last post I found another pie and kept eatting....well at some point I passed out that night (thank God cause "the family" watched some dumb Christmas movie I hear). Anyway, I haven't posted cause I have been asleep this whole time. It's kinda scary but I woke up HERE....on some hospital bed (ok maybe not a hospital bed, there's no rails, but still - I think they pumped my stomach)!!
Saturday after Thanksgiving (yea TWO whole days later) I woke up here. Apparently, it's the "doctor's" office.

Too much of a good thing

Ohhhhh my turkey lovin, Korbel drinkin, pie eattin belly is sooooooo full. I feel sick! Maybe too much of a good thing DOES exist. Did I mention I ate all the fixins too!? I think I may have monopolized the meal - I ate and ate and drank and ate some more, shoot I even licked the bones. Wow, my seams almost busted right open!!
Thanksgiving 2008 - the night I fell asleep on the table with my head in the empty pie box - good times!

It's turkey time!!

TIME TO EAT - Look at this thing, it's bigger then my head!!! YUMMY (I wonder if my knife is sharp enough)
Dinner time - Thanksgiving 2008

Holy Turkey

So......I'm still hungry! No food yet....

I mean, how long does it take to cook a bird, really? Poor lil guy is just roasting in there - a very slow and painful death I'm sure. I don't know why they don't just turn the heat all the way up and get it over with (and on the table already).
2pm Thanksgiving day - still starving but it could be worse I guess - I could be in THERE! I'll stop complaining.

TIME TO EAT!

I thought I would blog early today, while I'm still in a good mood. The parade has yet to come on which means that the ladies of "the family" haven't seen Santa Claus bringing up the rear yet and their excitement over that fat man hasn't annoyed me yet!

On another note, I am SOOOOO ready to EAT today! I got up early to prep the turkey but I had trouble getting the wrapping off of it....damn mitts! Luckly, "the family" got it off, cleaned it out and has it safely in the oven! :) Ahh they really are good people I guess.
Thanksgiving morning, 2008!

Ahhhh Drinks!

On this particular evening I outsmarted "the family" - I learned a valuable lesson....Get em drunk!! - Then you get yourself some. These characters were so looney toons that night I got to have quite a few drinks myself (they never noticed) - made me even think for a minute that maybe I LIKE this "family" of mine. Then I remembered this doesn't happen that often. But, I plan on watching close for when it does happen so I can take advantage!
August 2, 2008 - Once again, Mesa, Arizona. This was at the graduation party for the "doctor". I guess I don't hold my liquor like I thought I did - look how red my cheeks are.

The Heist

So I think I have explained to you how I have been mistreated over the years by this "family" (of weirdos) but in case you don't get it, I'm going to say it again. I know it is hard to imagine but I just came across this picture that surely proves my point.

I spent MONTHS of sitting alone in the dark under a bedside table with only my thoughts to keep me busy - you can only imagine how that went. These fury little friends came to visit me every so often and even brought me some of their smelly dog breath toys but they never broke me out, even tho I begged them every time they came. Well, it must have worked because one day, the one they call Zona (on the left) broke down and dragged me out and down the hall - by the leg mind you but I didn't care so much cause I could see once again. Well it was joyous for a whole 35 seconds and then the screaming started. Another "family" member (whom had moved away a time ago) saw me and started screaming. I mean come on, SCREAMING? I know I'm not pretty but that seemed a little excessive. It even scared fury Zona and she DROPPED me right then and there and wanted nothing to do with me after that.

Well, that didn't last long before the pack of em got together and gained up on me. Apparently the one they call Ginger (on the right) had the bright idea of holding me hostage. Ugh this is where it gets abusive....what for you ask? I hate to even say this but - pizza crust. Not even a whole damn pizza - just the CRUST. WTF!! Before I knew it the one I thought was nice, they call her Cali (the black one in the middle) had me blindfolded and hand cuffed - was that really necessary, I mean how much can I really do with these stupid mitts!?

Long story short - the furry "friends" got their pizza crust and I got shipped back to my "family" in the sweltering desert of Arizona.

Somewhere in Virginia, Warren County I assume but the title of the paper. If you zoom in I'm sure you can see the date...I've tried so badly to supress this memory. I only posted it to further prove my story.

Christmas music in November?

Geez, what is with this "holiday spirit" everyone loves to have. It seems xmas comes earlier every year. "The family" was watching that boob-tube and there was a Xmas movie on - it's NOVEMBER people! I believe the bird still claims this month, not the fat man.

What's the big deal with xmas anyway? It's just another day. Sure my happy, jolly, much rounder (and yet somehow more appreciated) twice removed cousin from the North makes everyone's day special. Blah! Did I ever tell you I'm NOT a fan of Christmas? People expect so much from me. All that happy, jolly crap. Whatever!

I say give November back to the plump bird on the table!! That's my piece. At least "the family" doesn't put mitts on the bird (I saw that on the xmas movie they watched the other day).This was taken last year, so that means December 2007 (for all you idiots). It was up in Mesa at that golf resort "the family" likes so much. I think this is a good picture of me - I'm kinda happy in it, it must have been a good day that day!

The Doctor

So I guess I should be proud, there is a doctor in the "family". She can't prescribe drugs, so I'm not really sure what kind of doctor she really is, clearly none of use to me! Hope it's not one of those fake ones that analyze people to death on the couch, don't need that! Anyway, at least they took me to the graduation. The outside of the building was neat, seems once we got inside they kinda forgot about me and got caught up in the robed people on stage. Whoa is me, got a good nap in though.A blistering August 2, 2008 in Phoenix, AZ. It was over 115 degrees this weekend, my mitts were sweating!!

I Like Chips

Well at first I got excited - a tour of UTZ. For all you people who live in a box, UTZ are a brand of chips out on the east coast. Anyway, I thought tour = sample = CHIPS! Yea if you are the one doing the walking. Think I got any? Nope! Something about not having a digestive system or some crap - I dont know, made no sense to me - just another example of the ABUSE! Why would you dangle a place like this in front of someone, make them sit on a freakin sign in front of their freakin delivery van and not give him any freakin CHIPS! RUDE!Somewhere in Pennsylvania, the UTZ factory, google it and you can get the dumb address. October 2007 I think. "Come hungry, leave hungry" apparently.

ViVa LAS VEgAS

The "family" actually got it right on this one...normally they take me to some really dumb places but on this trip I got to see SIN CITY! I had to stay in the room most the time. They said they couldn't carry me around in case they won a lot a money and needed to carry it back. I called "BULL #$*%" on that one but they didn't care to listen (shocking.)

November 2007, I don't know what hotel we were in but I can tell you it probably wasn't the Monte Carlo. You'd think they would at least get a room with a better view if they plan to leave someone behind the whole time! Oh well, at least the maids were hot!

Look at me - Im blogging

Shoot --- it's hard to type with these mitts on! I wish I could get them off, its 80+ freakin degrees outside. What kinda sick person brings a fully dressed Santa (WITH MITTS) to the heat of the desert??? My "family" that's who! Lucky me!

So I've got a crap load of pictures of myself and I think as I come across them I will put them up for you to see my travels. I figure after enough "posts" someone is bound to notice my abuse and desperation and will come to rescue me.

oh yea and unlike some of the nutty people in my "family" I am NOT organized, nor do I really care to be - so these pictures and stories may not be in order at first while I get them all up. I'll try my best to tell you when things occurred but please - I'm an old man, my memory isn't so good.
This was taken in Mesa, Arizona. I'm sitting on a rock (no surprise in Arizona) with a foaming fountain that is shooting out blueish-purple water (SURPRISE). The "family" thought this was hilarious! Oh yea, this was October 19, 2008